With 37 men’s players issuing sick notes from mummykins, the 4th’s were drained of their elite squad having had them all seconded to higher teams – obvs!!.
Upon turning up at Meadowcroft, we began to get a tad excited when we thought that we had 12, until skipper Carlisle foolishly informed Paul (Doobie-on-another-planet-I’ll -have -a pint -of- whatever --he’s -on) Dubenskie, that he should actually be playing for the 2’s at Halton!! Doobie subsequently earning himself a well-deserved Club Rodney you Plonker award prior to a single game starting.
Despite not having a keeper (as he deemed investigating serious crime in central London far more important than his loyalty to Team 4 BHHC) – things looked rather rosy as Stevenage had only 10 players. The whistle was blown and for the 1st 15 minutes we were all over them like a cheap suit. The driving force consisting of Team 4’s secret nuclear weapons namely Alfie, James R and Reece (surnames withheld due to fear of them being snaffled by those slimy Team 3 and Team 2 skippers in the September transfer market) which was great to watch from the back as they ran more rings round the oppo than there are on Payton seniors mid-rift.
Our heads were held high as we were unusually spending an awful lot of time in unknown territory – namely the oppositions half. Alas this was short lived when Stevenage’s 11th player turned up and things started to go ever so slightly south.
The tables turned and the oppo were driving at the merged 4ths/5ths band of bruvvas (innit) with a modest onslaught. Dave (I think I’m a kicking back) Gardener, had forgotten both his life support machine and zimmer frame resulting in 5 goals to the opposition by half time. Fortunately, it wasn’t worse due to Hollows having run ‘1’ at defensive shorts, subsequently deflecting 2 shorts off wide of the posts – god that boys quick!! Makes Hussain Bolt look like a spliffed up terrapin.
The half time advice from Skipper Carlisle was about as useful as a hand-brake in canoe, but marginally motivational all the same. We’d go forth and use this as a training opportunity in lieu of next season ..and hey, have some fun.
On we trooped into the 2nd half and after a few nonchalant conceded goals, Ian Chopper-Harris O’Dell decided that he’d make the Texas Chain Saw Massacre look like a play in a kindergarten, belatedly hacking some poor chap in our D. Yet another short against us however not a true reflection of Ian Chopper-Harris’s dedication and true grit that he displayed in the rest of the game.
The defence consisting of Carlisle, O’Dell, Gardener, Hollows and Cave the Rave (missing his infamous Ibiza lucky pink watch my hair head-band) made good at defending their territory with all the intent of the DUP and the Irish back door. Alas the missing link of a fully padded keeper defeated them on a regular basis. No names mentioned … ‘Team’ 4 keeper!!
Going forward the left and right flanks of Reece and Alfie G (no relation to that chap from Slough) did a great job of running at the oppo with their usual pace, skills and determination resulting in tearing them up. Andy-barking-instructions-Prentice did a great job in mid-field.
James the poser Russell successfully confused the hell out of the opposition (not difficult in an educational facilities depleted Stevenage) delivering an awesome demonstration of keepy-uppy with his stick over about 15 metres then deciding to smash the ball onto the deck once he’d decided he was bored, and taking the ball further up the park.
At one point Stevenage had managed to gain a P-Flick. After much discussion due to not having a fully padded keeper (no names mentioned) , Berko decided to field their ‘most loved player’ (Hollows of course) as keeper, donning merely a face mask to protect his attractively challenged looks and forgoing a box for all the obvious reasons, Stevenage scored yet another notch on their goal posts.
Simon Barron kindly made an appearance.
Andy Thorne rarely saw a lot of the ball at centre forward but made the relentless defensive onslaught better by tactically and selflessly remining high. Fido was most impressive with his cheeky digs both defensively, winning the ball on many occasion and running round a player here and there in his usual chillaxed way and feeding the forwards accordingly.
If it wasn’t for Jules the-best-reverse-stick-player-in-the-club Hollows saving a shoulder height ball whilst standing in goal (with the reverse of his stick obvs) Berkhamsted would have lost by 17-0. Fortunately though, it remained 16-0 and Team 4 had indeed had an awesome practice game and a damn fine runabout.
Man of the Match went to Alfie (Im not from Slough) Gardener for his ridiculous work ethic and generally awesome al round performance.